Motherhood

One year ago I had just decided that I wanted to have a child. Before that, as everyone who knows me will confirm, I was extremely against having children. I believed the world was overpopulated enough and I had absolutely zero interest in babies.

Then, while shopping for Christmas decorations with Ben, he sat me down and gave me an ultimatum. He said that he loved me and it would kill him to lose me, but he absolutely knew he needed to have children. He explained that if we were going to move in together and get married, I had to agree to have kids with him! I was shocked to say the least. Never had I imagined myself being pregnant or holding a newborn. Never had I dreamed of being called mom. I told him I needed a few days to think and our drive home was completely silent.

That evening, I had pretty much decided that I had to end the relationship. We just wanted very different things and I had always known I didn't want children. I was seriously upset and, the next day at work, my co-worker noticed. I told her my dilemma and she told me that she was once just like me. She never wanted children or cared for babies, and she was even hesitant through her 9th month of pregnancy. The irony was that she was one of the best mothers I knew. She told me that if I loved Ben then I was crazy to leave him because he wanted to have children with me.

I went home that night and visualized myself as a mom. I pictured Ben as a father and realized what a great dad he would be. I knew quickly that with this man, I could have children. I called him right away and told him my decision. Within two months, I was pregnant!

So much has happened in my life since then. The man I wanted to spend my life and raise children with is now gone. I live in a different state. I am a totally changed person. And...I am the mother of a one month old baby boy. The most precious person I have ever met.

Motherhood is far more amazing than I had ever imagined and it gets better every day. The thought that the love between two people can create a new human being is mind-blowing. My grief lifted so much with his birth. A piece of Ben is back with me and I am so blessed.

To think that I never would have experienced this joy and purpose if it weren't for Ben. If I had walked away that day I would have missed out on so much. Another reason Ben is my angel. He made me a mom forever.