Still Here

I am still here
Quietly sitting in my bed
Reviewing my life story.

I have done nothing noteworthy
I have created no fame
External power eludes me.

But I am still here.

I have been raped, beaten, shamed
Made fun of day in and out
I have been hurt most by those I dared to trust.

I have read my mother’s suicide note
over and over
wondering, “could I have done something?”.

But I am still here.

I have sat alone and wept
At the injustices of the world
Sick to my stomach wondering, “can I do something?”.

I have hoped, prayed, broken dishes,
Screamed, danced, loved, and hated…
All in one day.

But I am still here.

I have carried my wedding dress in my suitcase
While flying over the states and pregnant
Mere hours after receiving the call that my love was dead.

I have held his hand in the morgue
wondering, “why did this have to happen?”
I have kissed him for the last time.

But I am still here.

I have sat in a room with prisoners
Who have murdered, raped, stolen
And meditated by their side, without judgement.

I have cut my wrists
Started my car with the windows down and the garage door closed
I have written my letters over and over again.

But I am still here.

I have raised my son alone
Feeding him on a mountain top wondering, “how long would it take for anyone to realize it if I died?”
Not talking to another adult for days at a time.

I have reached my limit time and time and time again…

I have loved so deeply I thought my soul would burst from the rapture
I have lost my best friends forever
They are gone; never to return.

…But I am still here.