Lonely Day

Loneliness has been a recurring theme throughout my life. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my alone time...always have. I love sitting with a cup of hot coffee and a good book, or wandering the forest by myself just enjoying the sounds of nature. This is not the loneliness to which I am referring here. I am speaking to a deep aloneness in the very pit of my psyche and heart. Something unshakable and unfathomable. Something that has traveled in my side car always: taunting me through the passing wind. "I'll be waiting" it has whispered. And now, in this moment, it is here....sitting on my lap.

This is both an existential loneliness (we will lose all that we love) and a very real and present aloneness. Yes, I have my five year old son by my side much of the time. Now that he is in school I am able to enjoy moments to myself. But beyond that, I spend most of my time without another adult around. I see them out and about, wave to my neighbors, carry on small talk at the grocery check out. But I very rarely have in depth conversations or connections, in person, with people I have intimate connections with (not even talking about intimate in the romantic sense). I am very alone. Isolated. And it really sucks.

Now, I know what you are thinking: why don't you go out and make more friends or hang out with ones you already have?? I know this seems like the obvious solution. For me, however, it is just not that simple. I suffer from a case of extreme social anxiety and I struggle with cycles of depression. I have trouble looking people in the eyes none the less approaching them or starting a conversation! I feel inadequate most of the time to even maintain a friendship. I am in therapy, on meds, and working on my issues and trying to heal. I am just afraid this process will take years and I will spend those years utterly alone. I love the time I spend with my son (well mostly) but I crave more adult interactions. More raunchy laughter. More campfires and games of Scattergories. Not in groups and not necessarily with couples (third wheel anyone). Just one on one. Comfortable. Easy. Can I get an Amen?!

Alright...just venting a bit. Back to watching my son do his marble run on this long ass weekend.