These past 15 months have been the most stressful of my life, to say the very least. Everyone tells me I am so strong, but they don't see me on a daily basis. It seems I come close to my breaking point several times per week, but I never quite go over the edge. At moments I feel as if I will just burst into flames and disappear completely...I believe it's called "spontaneous combustion". But I don't. I do what needs to be done, go to bed, and repeat the following day. If heaven and hell are really just states of mind, then I have been experiencing both simultaneously. The heaven of having a beautiful child and piece of Ben to love and the hell of doing it without him.
I reached a "breaking point" the other day while driving by pretty houses with beautiful yards. I thought of Ben, Benny, an I all living in one of those homes, running through the sprinkler together. Then I got sad; really sad. It hit me, more than ever before, that my dreams have become completely impossible to attain. They will never manifest. Ever. My dreams of coming home to a family are unattainable. Ben is dead, his body has been burned, and he is not returning. Hell.
So, within my dark puddle of sadness, I asked myself the question "what now?". I can continue to do as I have been: wishing with all of my heart that Ben will magically return in the morning and we will live happily ever after. This only creates greater misery each morning. Hell. I can keep comparing my life now to what it would be if Ben were still here. This is the pathway to self-pity. Again, hell. Or...I can recreate my dreams from the ground up. Begin again. Accept that Ben is gone, in physical form, and I have to move forward. Be grateful for our amazing son and our future together. Live in honor of Ben by making sure our child's life is filled with joy, love, and big dreams. Heaven. It is time to choose heaven.