Dream

Last night I had a very vivid dream.

I was walking barefoot on a random lawn in Herkimer. There were willow trees surrounding the soft grass, a cemetery on the other side, and a small stream that separated the two. As soon as I stepped onto the grass, it started raining. I looked up toward the sky and the rain moved in slow motion. Then it began raining harder. I bent down and kissed the ground, then I took off all my clothes and ran naked. I proceeded to roll around in the wet grass, and then I walked over to the stream. I waded in the stream and then laid down. I looked over at the nearest gravestone and it had a picture of an oak tree with sheep under it. I thought that it would be a good stone for my mother. There were crystals everywhere and the water was warm and soothing.

I felt like I was in a space between life and death.

Use What You've Got

An artist is locked in a white room and told to create a mural. He is given a limited number of supplies and colors with which to work. He normally works with the highest quality brushes and paints and in a pleasant environment. The artist has two basic choices:

A.) Use the tools provided and create the best design possible. Enjoy the process and be in the moment.

or...

B.) Refuse to paint because of low-quality supplies. Create nothing of beauty and suffer psychologically.

Which choice would benefit the artist, and the world, more????

Sadness

A deep sadness that is difficult to explain. Loss. Change. Words that are a normal part of this human experience, yet so incredibly painful at times.

There are many days where I do not want to get out of bed. The dream world is far more interesting and pleasurable. There are other days where I believe the possibilities are endless. Where is the balance?

I cannot pretend to be a fun and bubbly person when I am not all the time. I am not most of the time.

I understand that I will lose all that I love and relationships are constantly in transition. I understand that life is not a land of gumdrops and rainbows. I still feel this way no matter how much I fight it or try to deny it.

I am not saying I feel this heaviness all the time...just a little more than half. Am I crazy or does our society just not honor our non-happy emotions? Are we supposed to be upbeat constantly? That is not who I am and I will not pretend. I am loving, compassionate, sometimes goofy and sarcastic, I have a temper, and I get down and out. Time to accept it all.