Tuesday, October 19, 2010


My greatest fear has come to pass. What now?

I once wrote an essay in Psych class answering the question "What do you fear above all else?". I wrote that I was afraid one of my parents would commit suicide. Seriously.

What does one do once their number one fear has transpired? Replace it with a new anxiety-producing, worry-invoking thought of what "could" happen? Feel relief that they survived the tragedy and move on with their dull existence? Suddenly and miraculously become fear-free?

I honestly don't know. I am afraid all the time in normal day-to-day situations. Afraid of talking to people, scared to drive, afraid of fucking up in a major, or minor, way. I, however, no longer seem to fear the "big stuff": an apocalyptic event, death of those close to me, death of myself (real or imagined).

We have such a short time to be alive in these bodies. Why let the inevitability of death bog us down? Why not look closely at the Grim Reaper and give him a nice wink? Why not jump out of planes and surf on waves?...take a gamble and possibly win?

So, back to my original question, what now?? I want to live life more adventurously. I want to take risks and jump into this existence full-force. See the world. Get covered in tattoos. Enjoy lots of sex! I want to laugh until I cry. Get my degree. Learn. DANCE. Scream. I want to honor my mother's life by doing what she couldn't....Living.