Tuesday, November 23, 2010


Last night I had a very vivid dream.

I was walking barefoot on a random lawn in Herkimer. There were willow trees surrounding the soft grass, a cemetery on the other side, and a small stream that separated the two. As soon as I stepped onto the grass, it started raining. I looked up toward the sky and the rain moved in slow motion. Then it began raining harder. I bent down and kissed the ground, then I took off all my clothes and ran naked. I proceeded to roll around in the wet grass, and then I walked over to the stream. I waded in the stream and then laid down. I looked over at the nearest gravestone and it had a picture of an oak tree with sheep under it. I thought that it would be a good stone for my mother. There were crystals everywhere and the water was warm and soothing.

I felt like I was in a space between life and death.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Use What You've Got

An artist is locked in a white room and told to create a mural. He is given a limited number of supplies and colors with which to work. He normally works with the highest quality brushes and paints and in a pleasant environment. The artist has two basic choices:

A.) Use the tools provided and create the best design possible. Enjoy the process and be in the moment.


B.) Refuse to paint because of low-quality supplies. Create nothing of beauty and suffer psychologically.

Which choice would benefit the artist, and the world, more????

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


A deep sadness that is difficult to explain. Loss. Change. Words that are a normal part of this human experience, yet so incredibly painful at times.

There are many days where I do not want to get out of bed. The dream world is far more interesting and pleasurable. There are other days where I believe the possibilities are endless. Where is the balance?

I cannot pretend to be a fun and bubbly person when I am not all the time. I am not most of the time.

I understand that I will lose all that I love and relationships are constantly in transition. I understand that life is not a land of gumdrops and rainbows. I still feel this way no matter how much I fight it or try to deny it.

I am not saying I feel this heaviness all the time...just a little more than half. Am I crazy or does our society just not honor our non-happy emotions? Are we supposed to be upbeat constantly? That is not who I am and I will not pretend. I am loving, compassionate, sometimes goofy and sarcastic, I have a temper, and I get down and out. Time to accept it all.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


My greatest fear has come to pass. What now?

I once wrote an essay in Psych class answering the question "What do you fear above all else?". I wrote that I was afraid one of my parents would commit suicide. Seriously.

What does one do once their number one fear has transpired? Replace it with a new anxiety-producing, worry-invoking thought of what "could" happen? Feel relief that they survived the tragedy and move on with their dull existence? Suddenly and miraculously become fear-free?

I honestly don't know. I am afraid all the time in normal day-to-day situations. Afraid of talking to people, scared to drive, afraid of fucking up in a major, or minor, way. I, however, no longer seem to fear the "big stuff": an apocalyptic event, death of those close to me, death of myself (real or imagined).

We have such a short time to be alive in these bodies. Why let the inevitability of death bog us down? Why not look closely at the Grim Reaper and give him a nice wink? Why not jump out of planes and surf on waves?...take a gamble and possibly win?

So, back to my original question, what now?? I want to live life more adventurously. I want to take risks and jump into this existence full-force. See the world. Get covered in tattoos. Enjoy lots of sex! I want to laugh until I cry. Get my degree. Learn. DANCE. Scream. I want to honor my mother's life by doing what she couldn't....Living.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Out of Sight; Out of Mind

This country’s wealth was built upon the blood of slaves. Working long hours in the cotton fields, Africans were often beaten and completely objectified to make their “masters” rich. The Civil War may have ended this overt form of slavery, but it has continued through present day. The large corporations that presently run this nation have outsourced their labor to other countries. Men, women, and children are, in some instances, being beaten, raped, sold, underpaid or not paid at all, and living in filthy conditions to produce clothes for these companies. Since these workers are “out of sight; out of mind" to the American public, we continue to spend our dollars on clothes manufactured under these horrific conditions. From an ethical perspective, are slave labor practices in the clothing industry worth a high-fashion society?

“Child workers, some as young as 10, have been found working in a textile factory in conditions close to slavery to produce clothes that appear destined for Gap Kids, one of the most successful arms of the high street giant”. This is just one example of Indian children making clothes destined for American stores. Many companies including Nike, Old Navy, Wal-Mart, Target, J. Crew, and Abercrombie and Fitch outsource their labor and use a “no-tell” policy. Even in this age of information availability, statistics and company names are so hard to come by that many corporations are allotted complete anonymity. Child labor statistics alone are overwhelming. It is estimated that there are over 70 million child workers between Asia, Africa, and Latin America today.

The arguments for these practices are weak at best. Some conclude that workers in third world countries need these jobs in order to survive. Some families depend on their children for monetary needs and if we eliminate child labor, they claim, we end their livelihoods. In reality, they are getting paid unfit wages, if any at all: around 17 cents per day in some cases. Is this really a livelihood? Can this really feed an entire family? Gap sells shirts for $40 or more a piece while people are working 18-hour days in sweat shops to make them. Where is the balance? Where is the human dignity?

Is it worth human suffering and degradation for a high-fashion society? Absolutely not! Why do we, as consumers, allow these practices to continue unquestioned? Where is our morality? It is everywhere in current society, but so often hidden. How do we address this issue? How do we create lasting change? What do we value more: human flourishing or money?

“It’s unavoidable: so long as we value money more highly than living beings and more highly than relationships, we will continue to see living beings as resources, and convert them to cash; objectifying, killing, extirpating” -Derrick Jensen

Sunday, August 15, 2010


To die or not to die...that is the question.

I am at a "jumping-off spot"(pun intended) of sorts in my life and I am overwhelmed. I do not know what path to choose.

This has nothing to do with the state of the world, but I have to rant. It has been a hard year (well, really 3 years) for me and I cannot handle my current path any longer. I have experienced some hits recently...my heart being broken (cliche, but true), failing in school, rough circumstances with both of my parents, my one friend here leaving town, and my financial aid being revoked for the fall semester. I am back at square one and don't know how to get to square two!

Should I beg and plead to get my financial aid? Should I take off out west and become a wwoofer (farmer)? Or should I finally give in to my fate and become a coke addicted stripper with three boyfriends??? Seriously folks (if there are any folks out there), I'm completely lost.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Fading Flame

The stars and the sun will one day fade.
Embrace this loss.
Dance under the moonlight.
Swim in the waves of the magnificent ocean.
Kiss the soft lips of your lover.

The Earth and each species will perish.
Laugh at the pain.
Gaze into your child’s eyes.
Climb the highest peak and shout your name in the wind.
Jump in the center of the flame.

Flourish in this moment…before it is too late.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Call It Education

Where is the sensuous within our education systems? Students today might as well be heads, detached from the body, floating from class to class! Where is the mind/ body connection in Western schools? How can we find a balance?

Throughout evolution, we have used our senses and intuition to guide us. We have learned through action- trial and error- and grown accordingly. This process seems to have disappeared in our current, technology-crazed society. We are so focused on mental intelligence that we all too easily abandon the senses. Then we turn to drugs and alcohol to turn off our minds and finally feel our bodies. There is a major disconnect.

I tend to absorb and retain knowledge best when acquired through the senses. While in school, however, I tend to be so "in my head" that my body needs to come close to a panic attack to remind me of its existence! I come home and read, think, read, write...and grow ever more anxious. I have to figure out a way to integrate my senses into my current learning experience or I will lose my shit.

Any suggestions?

Monday, July 26, 2010

Consumerism (an oldie, but a goodie)

I feel like vomiting. Spewing out my ignorance, my selfishness, and my greed. Why do we, as a human race, seem to have our heads completely in the sand? Why has capitalism taken such a strong hold over our minds, hearts, and (dare I say) souls? Can we be awakened? Is it too late?

I just finished watching the documentary, "The Corporation" and I feel completely lost. As I sit here hypocritically typing on my Compaq Presario computer, I can't help but think of all I could be doing that I'm not.Sure, I buy organic food, use cloth bags for my groceries, replaced my conventional bulbs with fluorescent, compost, and use all natural cleaning products...but is that enough? NO. We are in a crisis and small steps, as good intentioned as they are, will no longer suffice.

It's time to make giant leaps over nearly impossible canyons. Time to pull our small heads out of the sand and stand up for what's truly important. I look around my home and realize that I don't know how the majority of my products were actually made. Did a 14-year-old girl that was beaten daily for 17 cents per hour make my pants? What kinds of wastes were produced and dumped into the oceans to make all of my plastic products? How were the animals treated that gave of their dairy for my consumption?

We NEED to do something, but what? I, for one, am going to be more conscious every time I buy a new product. I'm going to read labels, write to and question companies, and shop locally as much as possible. Working towards self-sufficiency within communities is key at this time in our evolution.Please check out http://www.thecorporation.com/ and educate yourself. We have to stay positive and know that the world can be healed.... First, we have to do something!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

In the Beginning, "God" Created Ideas...

Where to begin? I will probably post a few older ideas to start and then go from there. I am done with "social networking" as I believe it to be superficial at best. I am anxious for social change and writing is one of my few outlets. Feel free to question me at any time as I love breaking apart old belief systems. Thank you and enjoy the slow yet meaningful ride on my canoe of thoughts.