I am feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning. Not because someone "out there" did anything to me or some outside circumstance has got me down. I am feeling bad because of what I have NOT done with my life thus far.
Growing up I dreamed big...like, really big. At one point I thought I would be a punk rock singer when I grew up and adopt 6 children while living on the coast of Australia in a giant treehouse. Then I decided I wanted to be a famous actress and live in a replica of the Emerald Castle. Other occupations that crossed my vivid imagination included figure skater, professional go-go dancer, drummer, psychologist, writer and naturopathic doctor. My most recent dream has been to get my Masters degree in Ecology and become a field ecologist.
I have worked towards these goals somewhat. I auditioned for acting schools in NYC as a teen, I took acting classes, dance classes, studied herbal medicine, went to college over the course of 9 years. I ice skated and made up my own routines on my small town ice rink, I cross-country skied through the woods with my family, I took drum lessons and my parents bought me a drum set. I read for a decade about psychology and went through enough of my own first hand experience to earn a doctorate in my opinion! I've started several novels over the years. But alas, I never stuck with any path long enough to do a damn thing. So here I am, almost 36, a stay-at-home mom with a child now in school, completely lost. I have lost all interest in college classes with their over priced books and boring subject matter. I am aging more rapidly than I would have imagined and still very much single. I have zero degrees and zero real world skill sets (ok, I can build a fire). I still don't know what I want to "be" and I am already grown up!
Above all else, I always imagined I would be a career woman with a partner by my side. Neither of these dreams has come to fruition no matter how much I fucking visualized because I never did the hard, dedicated, consistent work. Now I feel very stuck and uncertain about my future. On top of all of this self pity I have developed an extreme social anxiety over the years that leaves me feeling ever more hopeless.
I know I have been through much tragedy and I know I am resilient. The fact I am not addicted to heroin right now is kind of a miracle actually. I am a pretty good mother I believe and have raised my son to the best of my ability and am trying to improve as a mother daily. I have created gardens, beautiful home spaces, another human being, laughter, and much love throughout my journey. I have helped others and grown immensely on both emotional and spiritual levels. I have read so many books I am practically shitting out words! So I am not saying my life has been a waste by any means. I am not sure what I am saying.
Maybe I dreamed too big? Or my dreams weren't even what I really longed for. It seems if I found the right path I would have stepped up and done anything to make sure I reached my goal. Or maybe my self worth has just been so low I won't allow myself any level of actual success?
This is an open-ended blog because I genuinely do not know. There is no pretty bow or finishing statement that will tie this all together. I am still here, unsure, working on myself daily and raising my son. Maybe that has to be enough for now.
