In this moment in time, within this ever-changing and unimaginably vast Universe, my life needs a reset. I'm not talking the type where one of your lives is lost in a game of Super Mario and you start at the mid-way point where you slapped that little flag to save your spot. I am talking the type where you set your phone all the way back to factory mode because you have watched way too much porn and there is just no other option (scary thought, I know). This is it. This life...this moment...is all I've got. I need to make major changes if the next half of this game is going to be fun and so I don't end up falling down an abysmal hole.
I am 36 years old. I've been through much tragedy over the last 10 years and, somehow, I have survived it. I've experienced more life and death than most do over far greater time periods. I have dealt with my sometimes extreme emotions in various ways; some healthy some not-so-much-so. I have traveled, played, cried, danced, listened to copious amounts of wonderful music, lied flat in bed, staring at the wall for hours, I have broken shit, screamed, walked through forests, birthed a child, raised him to the best of my current abilities. I have made love, made meals, made beds, made tinctures, made Christmas ornaments, made snowmen (and women). I have loved and lost and loved and lost until I felt I could no longer take another breath. I have a PhD in life.
So here, right now, I am evaluating what has been and what is possibly to come next. I recently got off an antidepressant that I had been on for 1 year and 4 months. The withdrawals were pure hell and I didn't know if I would make it. But, as I prove time and time again, I am resilient. I feel more alive, albeit more emotional, than I have in years. I am ready for change. I am also heavier than I've ever been (even at 9 months pregnant), more confused about what I want than I have ever been, and very much alone on a day to day basis. So....what now?
I am going to take baby steps as Bob would say (if you don't get the reference just stop reading and go find yourself). I am going to make small changes in the direction of health. I am going to re-build my coping mechanisms that I lost while on my medicine. I am going to envision what I might want to do with my life. I am going to meditate more, breathe deep, dance and practice yoga regularly for once in my life, and take more hikes through the moss-filled forests. I am going to meet friends for lunch. I am going to relax and take more baths. I am going to cry when the feeling arises (this is a major one for me). I may not know exactly who I am or what I want to "do" with my life, but I believe these small steps in the right direction will take me where I am needed. Where I can give. Where I can thrive. The rest....is history.
Player 1: Ready!
