Adulthood

If a fairy had appeared to me 10 years ago (since I believed in them then... still do), and told me how my life would look today, I would have called bullshit. I would have never believed her/him/it/they (trying to be PC here) for a millisecond. At that moment I would have concluded all fairies are dream-crushing liars and manipulators and never would have conjured one again.

But alas, here I am, living this life I could have never predicted or imagined. I am a mom! Holy shit! That, in and of itself, would have made me stop listening to Fern (I'll just name it) straight away. I would have been like "bitch please", rolled my eyes, put up my hand, and walked away like the strong black woman I am on the inside. Not only am I a mom though, I actually planned for this. For real yo. I came up with a dream with a man I loved enough to agree to marry (another unreal reality) and we started trying to make another human (the most fun part of the parenting process actually). Then a lot of other unbelievable tragedy happened and now I'm a single mom. And I'm doing it! Like every day I have committed myself to this little dictator and I love the fucker more than I ever could have loved another human being on this planet (or Bowie's).

The fact that would have been even more difficult to believe (when my girl Fern told me) is the change in priorities and perceptions that have occurred over the last 10 years, especially the last 5, in my life. At 25 I had no direction. I was living for each moment's thrill and constantly seeking new experiences and pleasures. Other's feelings didn't matter as much to me. I thought wealth and material things were far more important than they are. I didn't want to get married or have kids. I studied existentialism like it was my full-time job and didn't believe in any form of deity. I thought anarchy and mental illness and rebellion were cool and a necessary part of life. I didn't fear death much as I felt almost immortal. I would quit a job if someone looked at me sideways or an authority figure tried to "boss" me around. Where did I see myself in ten years? As a psychotherapist!!!! I would love to sit and have a nice long chat with that girl...my younger much more naive self.

Now, I care about my son above all else. Above any of my own needs, above cats (this is a real hard one to accept), and even above my life. Watching him experience joy has become such a large part of my own joy. I seek pleasure still but in more sensible, and less destructive, ways. I have a budget and really try to stick by it (I swear). I am in college and serious about my studies. I want to be a Scientist (say whaaaaaa??) I care about the food we eat, both from a nutritional standpoint and an ethical one. I care about other peoples kids, my friends and family, people everywhere, animals, the earth itself. I care what happens in the future and what the world will look like for generations to come. I care about politics and no longer stand by total anarchy. I believe in some sort of connection and spiritual realm. I really fear death...every day. I know wealth does not lead to lasting happiness and that health and relationships are the keys. I no longer think rebellion for the sake of rebellion is cool. Rebellion for the sake of the Earth, minorities, the homeless, children, cats and integrity are way fucking rad though! I have learned that having a partner to share your life with is one of the most magnificent experiences you can have and the simultaneously the most difficult. You can do the most growth within these pairings and you feel the most elevating emotions, physical sensations, and states of being. It is beyond what any typed words can convey. You can also experience the darkest depths of your psyche and soul when you lose someone you love, whether by death or physical separation in other ways.

If each human life were a book it would be broken up into 3 sections each with a certain number of chapters. Let's say the average lifespan is 90 (assuming technology continues to advance and people continue to educate themselves on nutrition), this would make each section 30 chapters/ years long. So the first 30 years would be "Youth", the next 30 "Adulthood", and the last "Wisdom" (So not true for everyone but stay with me). Using this analogy I am now into the second section of my life. The transitional phases are difficult. Your old "self" will kick and scream to stay the same. You will hold onto old beliefs like Louis Ck holds on to his member while in front of unassuming women. But you will make it through. I will make it through. I guess I have.

Welcome to adulthood! I will still be conjuring fairies though. And perhaps some unicorns.