Anger Transcended

I came to New Hampshire full of anger. Anger towards corporations, anger about war and politics, anger regarding our patriarchal society, anger towards the rich, and hidden anger about my mom's suicide. I sported an anarchist cape, listened to a lot of System of a Down and Rage Against the Machine, and had no stability or plans for the future. I felt guilty everytime I put gas in my car and refused to buy new shoes even though my only pair were full of holes!

I have changed.

I first learned to live in more joy through my friends and co-workers. I put my anger on the back burner and used my "crazy dancing lady" as a sort of self therapy. I enjoyed the scenery of a new area and appreciated making enough money to stop worrying about mere survival. I saw the rich in a new light through my customers and I was surrounded by people who were genuinely happy...what a concept! I eased up a bit, but still held a lot of strong opinions and beliefs regarding society and especially men. I was still angry, but covering it up with certain substances and a lot of activity.

Then I met Ben...my greatest spiritual teacher to date. I have studied different spiritual principles on and off for 10 years. I have practiced yoga and meditation, read many Buddhist texts, practiced visualization techniques and made vision boards, taken Oprah classes, meditated with prisoners, and even walked on fire! My parents raised me to be open to the occult and I have been a constant seeker of answers. Who would have thought that a 25-year-old republican sporting a Steeler's hat and drinking a beer would be my number one guru? :)

I had a strong concept of men in general, but especially men who watched sports and voted for GW! Ben also had his own concepts about liberal, tattoo-covered hippy chicks! We still opened up enough to let one another into our minds, and eventually, our hearts. The more we got to know eachother and the more in-depth our conversations became, the more we realized our similarities at a core level. We were both stubborn and true to ourselves. We were both extremely loyal and simultaneously independent. We both loved games and friendly competition. We were both real and valued truth above all other values. We both loved snickers and hated onions!! So there we were, the anarchist and the patriot, in love.

Not that it was always easy. We disagreed on most subjects and debated often. Ben was the first man I had ever met who could actually debate with me to the point where I would see his perspective...and sometimes even change my own. He was strong enough to change me and to change himself as neccesary. Over the course of just one year, we both changed greatly...and for the better.

Then came the day of the big fight. The debate of all debates that would either make us or break us. I was pregnant and had to give up all of my vices. I had to face emotions that I had been hiding for over a year. He had recently quit smoking cigarretes and was "on edge" to say the least. We had both reached the maximum of our stress levels. Our anger rose to the surface...and we let it out on eachother. I will not get into the details of the confrontation, because they are unimportant. Hurtful words were spoken, material objects were broken, and we were both arrested. Yes, this was a bad one. We were forced into a restraining order although neither of us wanted it and we had some time to think.

By the next day we had decided that we wanted to make our relationship work. We already missed eachother and knew that we had allowed things to get out of control. Our egos had come out full force and then been shattered to pieces. All that was left now was a deep, unconditional, and genuine love for one another. The anger was gone.

After that our love became stronger and more beautiful than ever. Our insecurities and fears had dropped. We both knew that the other loved us for who we were and we could make it through anything. We experienced a slowing down of time and a true togetherness like I had never felt before. Our egos were no longer running the show and the anger had dissapated. Only real love was present. This is how we spent the last weeks of Ben's life.

Now, when my mind goes into anger and frustration, I am able to forgive and replace it with love. When someone is vastly different from me, I am able to see the world from their perspective, or at least let it go. I am no longer angry toward society or corporations...as I have received a great deal of support from these institutions. I no longer believe that humanity is generally shallow. I have a renewed faith in and love for the human race. I am not saying that everything is perfect in the world. I know that there are numerous problems and a great deal that needs to change, but I do not believe that anger will change anything for the better. The only energy which can create great and lasting change is love. True, genuine, unconditional love and forgiveness towards everyone and all things. This is where our true power resides. My mother was right!

Also, by the way, I now have a few pairs of shoes ;)


Thank you Ben....I love you forever.

Match Made In Heaven....literally

Ben and I spent one year together. One year nearly to the day actually. We started talking in late April of 2011 and he passed in late April of 2012.

This was the most intense, life-changing, and happiest year of my life so far. It is difficult to explain to anyone why two people, who were so extremely different, fell into love so deeply. When asked "Why do you love him when your beliefs are so different?" I would respond "It's something deeper. Hard to explain. We are the same at our core." What I really wanted to say was that we were soul mates destined to be together...but that seemed a bit too Hollywood for me!

Now I ask the question 'Why'. Why would I be given such an amazing love only to have it taken away at its peak? Why did he exit this earth when I am carrying his child...that he wanted more than anything? Why did we finally reach a place of pure contentment only a week before he died? Why was I in another state when it happened? Why did I finally desire to grow old with someone and then have him taken so young? I can ask these questions day and night and find no answers. The real question is why, and how, were we brought together in the first place? I think the answer to this lies in another dimension.

Not long after we met Ben said to me, "I think my dad and your mom brought us together." I thought it a sweet notion, but didn't know whether to believe it. Now I do. I think that our parents got together in "heaven" and became matchmakers. His dad knew that Ben only had one year left to live and wanted to make sure he got what he wanted...a wife, a child, and a nice home. My mom knew that I needed to love and trust again. To be embraced and grounded by someone strong and honest. They knew we would be perfect for one another...challenge old beliefs, be eternally loyal, have fun together, learn how to compromise (which neither of us knew how to do previously), and love fully. They allowed us to meet and then sat back, smoked a bowl, and enjoyed the show!

I am so grateful to have known Ben and to have spent the last year of his life together. So incredibly honored to be carrying his child and his last name. He was an angel to me...changing my life forever. I will always love him and cherish our memories.

Love you fucker.

Live Free

One year in New Hampshire. A mere 365 days and I have completely transformed. A rebirth in every sense of the word.

When I arrived here I had one pair of worn-out sneakers, a falling apart car, and a heaviness on my psyche. I had no job, one friend here, and no real hopes for the future. I was lost and confused. Running away from the known and entering a world of mystery.

Now, exactly one year later, I can finally say that I am happy. Great job, wonderful group of friends, good running car, a few pairs of new shoes, and a great deal of affection. When I left North Carolina, I was an introvert...a hermit even. I had no friends there my age and rarely left my bedroom unless I absolutely had to do so. Now I thrive on being around people...even groups of people! I make people laugh, I dance randomly, I throw an occasional party, and I live spontaneously. I am looking forward to my future again and enjoying the present.

Perhaps this is the gift with which my mother left me. A lesson to live life to the fullest before it slips away.

If anyone had told me where I would be today, I wouldn't have believed them. I couldn't have at the time. But it is real and genuine. True happiness. And I am grateful.

Needs

We do not need more televisions, we need more communities.
We do not need more of a work ethic, we need more playtime.
We do not need more money, we need more lovemaking.
We do not need more time to clean our houses, we need more time to climb trees.
We do not need more degrees, we need more wisdom.
We do not need more make-up, we need more appreciation of natural beauty.

Divine Feminine

It is mid afternoon and I am lying on my bed. The breeze blows in through my open window and the sound of sirens overpowers the birds’ beautiful songs.

I am keenly aware of my menstruating body and its cycles of discomfort and ease. I am contemplating life. I am contemplating my femininity. I am contemplating our present, overly masculine society. My feelings fluctuate between a heavy sadness and a perfect tranquility.

My roommate walks down the hall with his heavy footsteps. I immediately enter a space of frustration. Not over his steps alone, but over the steps of every man…modern and historical.

For as long as I can remember I have carried a sort of vendetta toward the opposite sex; an unexplainable disdain for their very presence. I couldn’t possibly count all the boys I beat up as a young girl, usually for small offenses. He called me a name, tried to play with my toys, talked too much, didn’t talk enough, or looked at me funny. Whatever the reasoning, I enjoyed watching them squirm. I especially enjoyed laughing as they ran away in tears…soaked in shame.

The last time this happened I was eighteen years old and drunk. I was at a festival, walking down the street with a friend, and a guy behind me grabbed my ass. Without a thought I turned around and punched him in the face. He cupped his nose and mumbled “you fucking bitch” as he ran across the street. This time, however, a sense of guilt appeared in my psyche. Did he really deserve that? Did it actually teach him a lesson? Could I have gotten arrested for assault? I couldn’t be sure if what I felt was my own or the mass opinion of our society, finally creeping into my awareness.

I began to question the reasons I felt this animosity toward men. I had a close relationship with my father, I was never sexually or physically abused, and I had never witnessed my mother being hurt by a man. So why did I display this pattern of violence?

Now, lying here on my bed, I understand it more clearly. It isn’t just my own experience that drives me, but the experience of all women everywhere. The history of rape, violence, degradation, and persecution that lives in my very bones. The condition of our current society and ideas…including all its sharp, hard architecture, dominating mental views, and Christian “morals”. The bombs, the wars, the corporations, and the rape of the Earth itself.

Perhaps femininity, as we’ve always perceived it, is false. Maybe it carries with it strength, passion, and power beyond what men could possibly comprehend. The strength to overcome any obstacle, the passion to change the world, and the power to get others to join us.
I don’t hate men. I am merely pissed off about the extreme imbalance with which we are living. It is time for women to stand up in their Divine Femininity and bring the world back to its center. Bring us back to our true and inherent power.

Masquerade

I believe life is one giant masquerade ball. We are all dancers in an intricate, complex, joyful, and often extremely sorrowful event. Every song is a moment in time...fleeting and unique. We choose with whom we dance, when we dance, and when we sit in the dark corner alone. We decide when to wear our mask and hide our face, and when to reveal ourselves in full vulnerability.

The last 3 years of my life have included a great deal of sitting in the corner...watching the dancers from a distance. Before this, I was dancing joyfully and easily with a partner, until I became bored and curious. I chose a new dance partner...a masked man dressed all in black. We danced passionately and feverishly for the first few songs. Then he became tired and weary. Rather than choose a new partner and continue the dance, I followed him off the floor. We sat in the dark together for what seemed an eternity. He would leave the room for long periods of time and I would wait. Occasionally I took the arm of another man, but always returned to my corner. Waiting. Always waiting.

One day he returned and we danced joyfully for one brief song. I wanted it to last forever, but nothing ever does. Finally, we began to tango furiously. Then, during our final number, he pushed me violently to the ground and collapsed himself. The music stopped. The dancers froze in time. Life faded.

I lied there upon the floor, motionless, for months.

Then a tragedy occurred and all changed. The dancers slowly began to move again. All masks were removed. Vulnerability was revealed.

Now I am dancing once again. More with a group this time and more joyfully than before. Less dependent on a dance partner. More alive.

What have I learned from this experience? Every dancer has the right to choose their moves, with whom they dance, or whether they want to dance at all. They can lock themselves in the next room or collapse on the floor. I can chose to continue dancing. Continue living.

Dream

Last night I had a very vivid dream.

I was walking barefoot on a random lawn in Herkimer. There were willow trees surrounding the soft grass, a cemetery on the other side, and a small stream that separated the two. As soon as I stepped onto the grass, it started raining. I looked up toward the sky and the rain moved in slow motion. Then it began raining harder. I bent down and kissed the ground, then I took off all my clothes and ran naked. I proceeded to roll around in the wet grass, and then I walked over to the stream. I waded in the stream and then laid down. I looked over at the nearest gravestone and it had a picture of an oak tree with sheep under it. I thought that it would be a good stone for my mother. There were crystals everywhere and the water was warm and soothing.

I felt like I was in a space between life and death.