A deep sadness that is difficult to explain. Loss. Change. Words that are a normal part of this human experience, yet so incredibly painful at times.
There are many days where I do not want to get out of bed. The dream world is far more interesting and pleasurable. There are other days where I believe the possibilities are endless. Where is the balance?
I cannot pretend to be a fun and bubbly person when I am not all the time. I am not most of the time.
I understand that I will lose all that I love and relationships are constantly in transition. I understand that life is not a land of gumdrops and rainbows. I still feel this way no matter how much I fight it or try to deny it.
I am not saying I feel this heaviness all the time...just a little more than half. Am I crazy or does our society just not honor our non-happy emotions? Are we supposed to be upbeat constantly? That is not who I am and I will not pretend. I am loving, compassionate, sometimes goofy and sarcastic, I have a temper, and I get down and out. Time to accept it all.