Masquerade

I believe life is one giant masquerade ball. We are all dancers in an intricate, complex, joyful, and often extremely sorrowful event. Every song is a moment in time...fleeting and unique. We choose with whom we dance, when we dance, and when we sit in the dark corner alone. We decide when to wear our mask and hide our face, and when to reveal ourselves in full vulnerability.

The last 3 years of my life have included a great deal of sitting in the corner...watching the dancers from a distance. Before this, I was dancing joyfully and easily with a partner, until I became bored and curious. I chose a new dance partner...a masked man dressed all in black. We danced passionately and feverishly for the first few songs. Then he became tired and weary. Rather than choose a new partner and continue the dance, I followed him off the floor. We sat in the dark together for what seemed an eternity. He would leave the room for long periods of time and I would wait. Occasionally I took the arm of another man, but always returned to my corner. Waiting. Always waiting.

One day he returned and we danced joyfully for one brief song. I wanted it to last forever, but nothing ever does. Finally, we began to tango furiously. Then, during our final number, he pushed me violently to the ground and collapsed himself. The music stopped. The dancers froze in time. Life faded.

I lied there upon the floor, motionless, for months.

Then a tragedy occurred and all changed. The dancers slowly began to move again. All masks were removed. Vulnerability was revealed.

Now I am dancing once again. More with a group this time and more joyfully than before. Less dependent on a dance partner. More alive.

What have I learned from this experience? Every dancer has the right to choose their moves, with whom they dance, or whether they want to dance at all. They can lock themselves in the next room or collapse on the floor. I can chose to continue dancing. Continue living.

Dream

Last night I had a very vivid dream.

I was walking barefoot on a random lawn in Herkimer. There were willow trees surrounding the soft grass, a cemetery on the other side, and a small stream that separated the two. As soon as I stepped onto the grass, it started raining. I looked up toward the sky and the rain moved in slow motion. Then it began raining harder. I bent down and kissed the ground, then I took off all my clothes and ran naked. I proceeded to roll around in the wet grass, and then I walked over to the stream. I waded in the stream and then laid down. I looked over at the nearest gravestone and it had a picture of an oak tree with sheep under it. I thought that it would be a good stone for my mother. There were crystals everywhere and the water was warm and soothing.

I felt like I was in a space between life and death.

Use What You've Got

An artist is locked in a white room and told to create a mural. He is given a limited number of supplies and colors with which to work. He normally works with the highest quality brushes and paints and in a pleasant environment. The artist has two basic choices:

A.) Use the tools provided and create the best design possible. Enjoy the process and be in the moment.

or...

B.) Refuse to paint because of low-quality supplies. Create nothing of beauty and suffer psychologically.

Which choice would benefit the artist, and the world, more????

Sadness

A deep sadness that is difficult to explain. Loss. Change. Words that are a normal part of this human experience, yet so incredibly painful at times.

There are many days where I do not want to get out of bed. The dream world is far more interesting and pleasurable. There are other days where I believe the possibilities are endless. Where is the balance?

I cannot pretend to be a fun and bubbly person when I am not all the time. I am not most of the time.

I understand that I will lose all that I love and relationships are constantly in transition. I understand that life is not a land of gumdrops and rainbows. I still feel this way no matter how much I fight it or try to deny it.

I am not saying I feel this heaviness all the time...just a little more than half. Am I crazy or does our society just not honor our non-happy emotions? Are we supposed to be upbeat constantly? That is not who I am and I will not pretend. I am loving, compassionate, sometimes goofy and sarcastic, I have a temper, and I get down and out. Time to accept it all.

Fear

My greatest fear has come to pass. What now?

I once wrote an essay in Psych class answering the question "What do you fear above all else?". I wrote that I was afraid one of my parents would commit suicide. Seriously.

What does one do once their number one fear has transpired? Replace it with a new anxiety-producing, worry-invoking thought of what "could" happen? Feel relief that they survived the tragedy and move on with their dull existence? Suddenly and miraculously become fear-free?

I honestly don't know. I am afraid all the time in normal day-to-day situations. Afraid of talking to people, scared to drive, afraid of fucking up in a major, or minor, way. I, however, no longer seem to fear the "big stuff": an apocalyptic event, death of those close to me, death of myself (real or imagined).

We have such a short time to be alive in these bodies. Why let the inevitability of death bog us down? Why not look closely at the Grim Reaper and give him a nice wink? Why not jump out of planes and surf on waves?...take a gamble and possibly win?

So, back to my original question, what now?? I want to live life more adventurously. I want to take risks and jump into this existence full-force. See the world. Get covered in tattoos. Enjoy lots of sex! I want to laugh until I cry. Get my degree. Learn. DANCE. Scream. I want to honor my mother's life by doing what she couldn't....Living.

Out of Sight; Out of Mind

This country’s wealth was built upon the blood of slaves. Working long hours in the cotton fields, Africans were often beaten and completely objectified to make their “masters” rich. The Civil War may have ended this overt form of slavery, but it has continued through present day. The large corporations that presently run this nation have outsourced their labor to other countries. Men, women, and children are, in some instances, being beaten, raped, sold, underpaid or not paid at all, and living in filthy conditions to produce clothes for these companies. Since these workers are “out of sight; out of mind" to the American public, we continue to spend our dollars on clothes manufactured under these horrific conditions. From an ethical perspective, are slave labor practices in the clothing industry worth a high-fashion society?

“Child workers, some as young as 10, have been found working in a textile factory in conditions close to slavery to produce clothes that appear destined for Gap Kids, one of the most successful arms of the high street giant”. This is just one example of Indian children making clothes destined for American stores. Many companies including Nike, Old Navy, Wal-Mart, Target, J. Crew, and Abercrombie and Fitch outsource their labor and use a “no-tell” policy. Even in this age of information availability, statistics and company names are so hard to come by that many corporations are allotted complete anonymity. Child labor statistics alone are overwhelming. It is estimated that there are over 70 million child workers between Asia, Africa, and Latin America today.

The arguments for these practices are weak at best. Some conclude that workers in third world countries need these jobs in order to survive. Some families depend on their children for monetary needs and if we eliminate child labor, they claim, we end their livelihoods. In reality, they are getting paid unfit wages, if any at all: around 17 cents per day in some cases. Is this really a livelihood? Can this really feed an entire family? Gap sells shirts for $40 or more a piece while people are working 18-hour days in sweat shops to make them. Where is the balance? Where is the human dignity?

Is it worth human suffering and degradation for a high-fashion society? Absolutely not! Why do we, as consumers, allow these practices to continue unquestioned? Where is our morality? It is everywhere in current society, but so often hidden. How do we address this issue? How do we create lasting change? What do we value more: human flourishing or money?

“It’s unavoidable: so long as we value money more highly than living beings and more highly than relationships, we will continue to see living beings as resources, and convert them to cash; objectifying, killing, extirpating” -Derrick Jensen

Fading Flame

The stars and the sun will one day fade.
Embrace this loss.
Dance under the moonlight.
Swim in the waves of the magnificent ocean.
Kiss the soft lips of your lover.

The Earth and each species will perish.
Laugh at the pain.
Gaze into your child’s eyes.
Climb the highest peak and shout your name in the wind.
Jump in the center of the flame.

Flourish in this moment…before it is too late.